How to stop beating yourself up
How often do you say negative things to yourself? Too many to count, I am guessing. I know that there have been years of my life where all I managed to do was beat myself up with words. Does any of the following sound familiar to you? “I’m stupid, No one likes/loves me, I can’t do anything right, I’m not good enough, I am going to fail so why even start, I’m not pretty, I am too short, I am too tall, I’m not thin enough……” and the list goes on and on. Do you find yourself making decisions and choices based on this view of who you think you are? Are you not living up to all you want to be based out of fear of failure?
“How to stop beating yourself up” is the question. I can hear you asking, “well how do I do that?” It starts with a therapeutic practice based out of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Step 1 is to identify what the negative thoughts are. For example, let us take the negative thought “I’m not good enough.” Step 2 is to then find evidence to the contrary of this statement. Evidence being facts/truths that prove moments of your life where you were “good enough.” I am going to use my life as an example so that you can see how to apply your pieces of evidence for yourself. Three pieces of evidence contrary to the statement “I’m not good enough.”
1. I have a master’s degree: In the US about 13.1 % have a masters/graduate degree. www.census.gov
2. I passed my LCSW exam to work as a clinician.
3. I started my dream of having my own therapy practice.
Now I have a choice to make. I can look at these facts regarding my life or I can stay stuck in “I am not good enough because I could not have children, I have started and then stopped several goals throughout my life, I did not get a job I sought, and so on……
I have mentioned cognitive reframing our negative thoughts with positive truths, and the choice on where to let our mind rest with the knowledge of the pieces of evidence of truth vs the negative lies of our thoughts. Now onto the last step, Grace. Giving ourselves grace means to extend favor and mercy upon ourselves. In the spiritual sense Grace is not earned but freely given. There is nothing one can do to earn grace or favor as it is a gift. One of the easiest ways I know how to give grace to myself is to take the negative thoughts I am thinking regarding myself in scenarios and asking this question, “What would I say to a friend, client or loved one” if they came to me with this same situation. I then compare my thoughts I am saying to myself vs. what I would tell someone else. One hundred percent of the time I would not say to others what I am saying to myself. If we can understand that we cannot change the past but do have control over the present moment instead of feeling weak or powerless we can know we are able to build mastery over the fear and negative thoughts.
The more you practice this therapeutic skill step by step the stronger you become. Until one day you realize that negative thoughts come but they no longer hold you captive. May this post help you on your journey to living life set free.